Introduction

Abuse is rarely constant. Instead, it often comes in waves—periods of fear, followed by moments of peace, apology, or affection. This rhythm, known as the Cycle of Abuse, can keep someone trapped in a relationship far longer than they ever imagined.

It’s a cycle that confuses, isolates, and wears down even the strongest women. And it’s more common than many realize.

By understanding how this cycle works, we begin to see why escaping abuse is so complicated—and why so many women struggle in silence, even when the relationship is deeply harmful.

What Is the Cycle of Abuse?

The Cycle of Abuse is a term first developed by psychologist Lenore Walker in the 1970s. It describes a predictable, repeating pattern in many abusive relationships. Though each relationship is unique, this cycle appears again and again in domestic violence situations across all ages, cultures, and faith backgrounds.

This pattern usually includes three main phases:

1. Tension Building

In this stage, small signs begin to appear. The abusive partner may become irritable, critical, or controlling. Arguments may increase. The survivor may feel anxious, like they’re “walking on eggshells,” trying to prevent an explosion.

Often, no actual violence has occurred—yet. But the emotional atmosphere shifts. Survivors may feel confused or begin to question their own behavior, believing they’re the problem. This phase can last hours, days, or even weeks.

Common behaviors during this phase include:

• Verbal criticism or sarcasm
• Silent treatment or withdrawal
• Monitoring or checking in excessively
• Subtle threats or intimidation
• Blame-shifting or guilt-tripping

This is the warning sign phase—but when you’re inside it, it’s often hard to recognize as abuse.

2. Incident of Abuse

The tension eventually breaks, leading to an abusive incident/ abuse behavior. This could be:

• Physical abuse: hitting, pushing, choking, or restraining
• Emotional abuse: yelling, threats, name-calling, gaslighting
• Sexual abuse: coerced or non-consensual sexual activity
• Financial abuse: taking money, restricting access to resources
• Spiritual abuse: twisting faith or scripture to justify harm

The abuse may come as an outburst or a quiet, targeted act. Either way, the survivor is left hurt, confused, and often afraid.

It’s important to note: this phase doesn’t always look violent in the way people expect. Emotional and psychological abuse can be just as damaging—and much harder to identify or prove.

3. Reconciliation (or Honeymoon Phase)

After the abusive event, the relationship shifts again. The abuser may:

• Apologize or express guilt
• Promise it will never happen again
• Cry, beg for forgiveness, or blame stress or external pressures
• Give gifts or show affection
• Claim the survivor caused the incident (“If you hadn’t…”)

This is one of the most emotionally complex stages. For many women, this phase reinforces hope that the relationship can improve. The abuser may seem sincere, even remorseful. Survivors may feel relief, love, or guilt.

In Christian contexts, this phase often overlaps with internal beliefs about forgiveness, redemption, and reconciliation. Survivors may wonder if leaving is unfaithful—or feel pressure from their community to stay and pray for change.

Life resumes. Things feel normal again—for a while. There may be no abuse, and the relationship may even feel pleasant or stable. Survivors often cling to this phase, hoping the worst is behind them.

But unless deep, sustained change happens (often involving professional intervention), the underlying power imbalance remains. Gradually, the tension begins to build again—starting the cycle over.

Why Is the Cycle So Powerful?

What makes this pattern so difficult to escape is its emotional complexity. The cycle creates a powerful bond—sometimes called trauma bonding—between the abuser and the survivor. Love, fear, hope, and self-blame become tangled together.

Several psychological dynamics are at play:

• Intermittent reinforcement: The unpredictable pattern of abuse and affection makes the survivor crave the “good moments” and try harder to avoid the bad.
• Cognitive dissonance: Holding conflicting beliefs—“He loves me” vs. “He hurt me”—causes confusion and shame.
• Shifting boundaries: Over time, the survivor may lower her expectations for safety and love. What once felt unacceptable now seems normal.

In Christian contexts, these patterns can be made even more complicated by spiritual pressure:

• “God hates divorce.”
• “Be patient in suffering.”
• “Submit to your husband.”

When Scripture is misused to excuse or minimize abuse, survivors may feel trapped between their faith and their safety.

The Impact of the Cycle

Repeated exposure to this cycle has long-term effects. Survivors often report:

• Chronic anxiety or depression
• Loss of self-worth
• Difficulty trusting others
• Spiritual confusion or isolation
• Health problems from chronic stress

Over time, the cycle becomes harder to see. Survivors may blame themselves, believe the abuse isn’t “bad enough,” or feel too ashamed to ask for help.

Knowledge Is Power

Understanding the Cycle of Abuse is a vital step toward change. Not necessarily immediate action—but deeper awareness. By naming these patterns, survivors begin to regain clarity and reclaim their sense of reality.

If you’ve seen this cycle in your own life—or in the life of someone you love—know this: you’re not imagining it, and you’re not alone.

Conclusion: Recognizing the Pattern Is a Step Toward Clarity

At Hagar’s Sisters, we believe in meeting women exactly where they are—with compassion, confidentiality, and Christ-centered support. Whether you’re still trying to understand what’s happening or you’ve already named it as abuse, we’re here to walk with you.

The process of recognizing the Cycle of Abuse is not just a clinical exercise—it’s a deeply personal, often painful realization. For many women, it begins with a quiet question: “Is this normal?” That question may lead to internet searches, whispered conversations, or simply a lingering sense that something isn’t right. Over time, the evidence begins to add up—not just in what’s said or done, but in how it feels. You might feel constantly anxious, unheard, afraid of making the smallest mistake. You might feel like you’re losing yourself.

Understanding the cycle can bring a strange kind of relief. It puts a name to the chaos. It helps explain why moments of peace never seem to last, and why the kind, apologetic version of the person you love keeps vanishing. It also helps to quiet the voice inside that says, “Maybe this is my fault.” It’s not your fault. Abuse thrives in silence, secrecy, and self-doubt—and naming the pattern is a first act of resistance.

For women of faith, the struggle can be even more intense. You may have been taught to forgive endlessly, to sacrifice, to submit. These teachings, when misapplied or distorted, can trap survivors in cycles that feel spiritual but are actually deeply harmful. God does not call us to endure violence. The heart of the Gospel is not about staying silent in suffering but about freedom, dignity, and restoration. Jesus consistently stood with the vulnerable, including women who had been mistreated or shamed. You are not outside of God’s concern. You are beloved, and your story matters.

At Hagar’s Sisters, we offer a space to explore all of this. Our services include confidential care coordination, online support groups, faith-informed educational programs, and the encouragement of other women who have walked this road. We do not pressure anyone to make decisions before they are ready. Instead, we walk alongside each woman as she finds her voice, rediscovers her worth, and begins to imagine a life no longer defined by fear.

If you’ve found yourself somewhere in this cycle—whether it’s your first time wondering or your hundredth time hoping—you are not alone. There is a way forward. It may not be quick or easy, but it is real. Healing is possible. Safety is possible. And a future shaped by peace, strength, and sacred worth is within reach.

Let us walk with you. When you are ready, please click here and reach out.

ATTENTION: If you are currently experiencing domestic abuse and are torn between your commitment to God and your safety, WE CAN HELP. Please explore our website and contact us when ready. We are here for you. Back to the article.